HERE IS THE SPEECH I GAVE AT THE SPIRITUAL RETREAT
Hello, for those who do not know me, my name is Andrew Kuefler. Today I will be sharing to you about a very important time in my life, when God had me move out. I was born and raised a Christian. My older brother had scarlet fever when he was 2 weeks old which caused a brain injury and mental disability. My Dad was in an accident in 2001 which left him physically and mentally disabled. I was home-schooled for most of my life. I endured trial after trial, but God was with me every step of the way.
I fully dedicated my life to God a few months after I graduated from high school. Before I gave my life fully to God, I was a mess. I would resort to video games whenever I felt depressed or stressed. My choices created a relentless cycle of depression where I saw no way out. My motivation was gone with no reason to continue fighting in this life. Many times I thought about suicide. I couldn’t see anything worth living for. In my brokenness, I remembered God’s promises, and everything he said he would do in my life. During that time, I almost dismissed those promises because I had no hope. As pathetic as I was, how could I even begin to consider God’s promises? At the time I regarded God’s call as impossible. I didn’t even want to try.
Things later changed when God blessed me with overpowering guilt. It hit me all at once and continued for weeks. During that time I was contending with God, and fighting him at every notion to change. I have never felt guilt like this before. It was enough to drive a person mad. But if that’s what it would take for God to change me, then so be it. God wore me down to the point that my will no-longer existed. I had no strength left to fight. It was then that I finally cried out to God, and asked for his forgiveness in everything that I’ve done. That was when I fully dedicated my life to him.
It was like a wave quickly rushed over me; like a new spiritual thresh-hold was breached. The very moment I finally dedicated my life to him, God opened my eyes to see things from his point of view. He raised the spiritual bar higher then it ever was before. The sin that I was caught in before became very intolerable. God revealed to me a way out of this pattern of living. That same day I destroyed everything that was holding me back and resorted to God instead of my addiction, to deal with my stress. Once I resorted to God to deal with my stress it was easier to leave my addictions behind.
God was testing me. He would ask me, “Are you willing to give up everything and follow me?// What about this area in your life?// Are you willing to give that up?”// God wanted me to leave everything that I had in the past and start anew.
God first, set my attention towards my relatives. They were severe alcoholics and frequently blamed my family for my Dad’s car accident. Somehow they believed that my Mom abused Dad and made him the way that he was. Can you believe that they got mad because my family turned him into “a God-fearing Christian”? Yet they considered themselves Christians. This was an easy step because they really weren’t a part of my life anyway.
Second, God had me look towards my friends. My friends cared for nothing except for their own gratification. To many of them, being a Christian meant you went to church once a week and were baptized as a baby. They considered themselves “Devout” because they followed their tradition more then applying God‘s word. They used their tradition as an excuse to do anything they pleased. In the past they would drag me down with them, and do things that they would consider harmless. To them, nearly everything was permissible. Nothing was in black and white. They frequently got drunk (although I have never been drunk) and hated me for everything I was good at. God let me know that my friends would only be a hindrance, and asked me to let them go.
Now, all I had left was my family. They were planning on moving away within the next couple of weeks. Then God’s next step suddenly hit me. I fervently pleaded with God, because this was the only support that I’ve ever really known. But every time, I pleaded, God would always have the same answer, “How can I teach you all these things that I have planned for you if you never leave your comfort zone”? My family was the only real comfort zone I had, and leaving them would force me to face everything that came my way. I was certain that God wanted me to leave my family. But instead of preparing to leave, I gave God a list. I told God that if he wants me to leave, he will have to find me a place to live, God would have to find me a full time job, and give me enough money to live on my own. At that time I believed that here was no way any of this would happen because I now had less then two weeks left to move out. I was dead wrong. The first place that I applied to I was hired on the spot without even an interview, and I was asked to start working the very next day, which would give me about the exact amount of cash needed to rent a place for a month. Regardless of God acting on my behalf here, I still had doubts. There was literally nothing available to rent in all of Camrose. God compelled me to check nearly everyday for at least one vacant spot. It wasn’t until the cut-off date that one single place became available, and there was no doubt in my mind that this place probably had a whole line-up of people waiting for it. I said, “ok God, if you want me to have this place then somehow you are going to have to deter everyone that wants this place and reserve it for me”. Being the gracious God that he is, he more then deterred people from my apartment.
Later I walked to the apartment. The sight of the place shocked me. Windows were cracked, the walls smelled like smoke, and most of the lights were smashed. Even the fire escape doors were either smashed, or had their knobs removed.// This was the only place available, and for some reason God handpicked it for me.
My rent was $750 but, I had no other choice but to accept it and trust that God knew what he was doing. I later overheard the manager saying on the phone, “By the way, I finally rented our problem apartment to some guy for $750!” Problem apartment? I thought, what am I getting myself into? I then heard him laugh as I was leaving. That guy really ticked me off, but I remained calm. That night God took me to this scripture: “When they hurled insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23). “For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him” (Isaiah 30:18b). I gave up everything; my life, my home, my relatives, my conveniences, my family, my friends, and for what? To follow where God was leading me. This move proved to be more difficult than I had ever imagined. God took care of everything despite my reluctance to move into the slums.
When I moved in, I discovered that every part of my apartment was run down, and the condition of the place made it look like there were animals that lived by themselves unattended for weeks. I will emphasize my point by including a journal entry: I put my new groceries in the fridge, and when I came back from work, everything was frozen! I think my fridge is broken! So, I figured that I would cook something to eat on my stove, and go for a shower. When I was in the shower, I noticed that the drain wasn’t working- it regurgitated sewage, and wouldn’t empty for hours. Then I smelt something... smoke! I rushed over to my stove, and I realized that just below the elements was a bunch of garbage burning. The room was foggy, so I decided to turn on my fan... but it didn’t work very well. Then I unpacked my dishes and noticed something else... there were no sink plugs. I made a plug out of a cup, and washed the dishes. When I turned on the taps, the walls behind the sink started to fluctuate. Then I heard it... the plumbing behind the sink made a teeth-gratingly loud vibrating sound! I can now tell when anyone around me is using the taps. By now I was fed up with everything, and decided to get a “Good night’s sleep”. For the main duration of the night, all I could here was people arguing, cars zipping by, and the now dreaded sink. All sleep evaded me, so I decided to read the Bible. I opened the book to a few verses, “We live by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7), “Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his sons. For what son is not disciplined by his Father?” and also, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:7,11). We endure hardship for our own good, so that God can train us. God confirmed to me again, that this is where he wanted me to be. (Psalm 9:10) “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you”. I prayed that night for God to help me. I could not possibly see how I could keep going on like this. I had no support, no money, no food, no furniture, no appliances, nothing except for a bed, a desk, and a few dishes. The very next day, a Christian named Merril, came by my work place and made me an offer. I didn’t even know the guy, and he had no connections to my family or relational circles. Now, he had no idea when I was moving, my problems, or even what I needed; Merril just knew that I was moving sometime. He offered me right over the counter, a complete dining room set, cloths, towels, and even weeks worth of imperishable food (remember, my fridge didn’t work)! Merril said to me, “God set it on my heart to give you these things”. He then offered to give me anything that he had second of, without even hesitating, even a car if I wanted one. He said, “Make a list, and it’s yours”. He gave me everything that I was lacking, and then some. Only after he delivered it, he realized just how much he had helped me. He gave me his phone, and cell number, and offered to help me whenever I needed it. I was ready to cry, because I knew that this was God’s hand.
Now that I was here, what now? God firmly planted me in this spot. Now God’s training began. I tried by my own efforts to do God’s will instead of drawing from his strength and relying on him to do his will through me. I was trying so hard to do what God wanted me to do. All this effort was very draining and these were among the most difficult times in my life. The loneliness was the hardest to bear. After relying on myself for so long, I just done what came naturally. I did not know that I was relying on myself and not God. I trudged on for a while in my own effort until I eventually burnt out. I could no longer take it. I decided to return to my parents. That morning, I wrote in my journal my frustrations to God. I wrote this that morning, “It seems that the harder I try to be my best, to do everything right, the farther I push people away or deter them. When I try to please God, other hate me for it. I find myself chasing the wind as though it were something grand to obtain. I’m searching but never finding; caring yet misunderstood, steadfast and eager, yet never forthcoming; I know the will of the Father yet, lack the courage to carry it out. I am hated by my friends why? Because I would not delve with them into the same flood of dissipation. I would not do what they do. People would confide in me yet, hate me for what they chose to reveal. A kind gesture would be taken as means to question my motivation. I offer help and in turn am accused of attempting thievery”. That ends the journal entry. I felt that I could not even last one more day here. I did not know what to think. I thought, “would God take me all this way just to leave me in the dust?” I decided to announce to my work place that I could not work anymore after my current shift. While I was working that day, God spoke to my heart. Before he spoke I was feeling my worst; I felt deeply depressed, like I was ready to collapse. However, in that exact instant when he spoke to me, I was filled with his presence, and an unexplainable joy. He said, “TRUST IN ME”. This statement appeared to penetrate every facet of my being. I did not say this in my mind, or even think about it. I just knew that it was God. This changed my life forever. It taught me how to rise above life’s circumstances, and to recognize God’s activity. I quickly became a living testimony to (Philippians 4:13)“I can do everything through him who gives me strength”. From then on, I no-longer relied on my own strength and will, but on God who even now, works through me.
One of God’s most effective teaching methods is brokeness. Many times that is what it takes to get our attention and steer us in the right direction. God may keep on bringing us to this point until we finally give in to his will for our lives, and surrender our will to his. It is only through God, and by his power that we can live the spiritual Christian life. We are the branches, we do not create the fruit, but we bear it. We do not need to worry about the outcome. One person plants the seed, the other waters but none of this is important except for God who makes the seed grow. We are powerless in the Christian life unless we fully surrender to him. God knows what is best for us. We have two choices, we can either settle for the good, or we can settle for God’s best. Romans 12:1,2 says, “Therefore I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God- this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is- his good, pleasing and perfect will”.
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Music that would fit my life during this time, "Already Over" "Break Me Down" and "Lost" By Red
